Edward the Overly-Great
Is Romantic Fantasy the female vice equivalent of Porn for men?
by Sterling D. Allan
Jan. 27, 2009
Part I
Composed Jan. 27, 2009
It seems to me that the female obsession with Edward in the Twighlight series is similar to the male obsession with scantily-clad females.
When it comes to relationships, Males are more visually oriented, and Females are emotionally oriented.
Edward is totally unrealistic when it comes to reality, and gives men an impossible comparison to have to measure up to.
It's easy for Edward to be romantic. He doesn't have to work, sleep or eat. All he wants to do is dote on Bella.
Ahh, how sweet. I think it really is the female equivalent of the male's sex obsession, which is equally unrealistic.
What do you all think?
Is this obsession by women innocent, merely instructing them as to what an ideal relationship could be, or is it as non-innocent as men obsessing on the female figure?
It is said that women have an increased sex drive after spending reading from the series. It is also said that men have an increased sex drive after viewing porn.
In the latter case, I think it is quite clear that the impetus was not innocent. What about the former?
Is the fantasizing on an unrealistic standard detrimental to society and genuine relationships that exist in real life?
I'm guessing that Females are far more upset by a man looking on another woman, than men are upset by women ogling over the Edward fantasy, and that may be why they are getting away with it and not seeing it as being problematic. But is it problematic nonetheless?
At least in the Edward case, men are not really offended, because it's not something they think about or even realize is a threat.
Part II
Composed Jan. 28, 2009
I think I've hit on a big one here.
For those of you not familiar with Edward, do a quick Google search:
http://www.google.com/search?q=edward+twilight
19,300,000 results -- two thirds as many as a search for solar energy which gives 31 million results.
I think it could be axiomatic to say essentially that porn is for a male what romantic fantasy is for a female.
Some are able to dabble and not become addicts. Some are more prone to addiction than others. Both probably stir up hormones in the body that are similar or same to those stirred up by chemical addictions, resulting in altered synapses that are medically referred to as "addictive".
One of the drivers of addiction in general is guilt and shame. So the females don't get addicted as easily because society doesn't generally frown on romantic fantasy, but typically views it as nominally harmless -- something that certainly can't be said about porn.
In no way am I trying to let porn off the hook as being detrimental. The point I'm making is that the female counterpart vice to porn is not porn, but romantic fantasy media.
The purpose in drawing attention to this is to 1) enable women to be more empathetic to what men struggle with, and 2) to point out that perhaps the female attraction to romantic fantasy isn't so innocuous, but should perhaps be viewed as an unhealthy counterfeit for a void they are feeling in their life; and in extreme cases can become addictive.
Women tend to be unsympathetic with men's tendency to ogle where they shouldn't. By realizing their own draw to romantic fantasy, perhaps they can realize the pull, from a vantage point that they can relate to.
What's the difference between a woman crawling up to a Twilight novel for hours and even days on end, letting housework and children go neglected; and a man pouring over page after page of porn when he should be working or spending time with his family? What's the difference between the female going back to such novels time and again, and a man going back to his porn time and again? What's the difference between a female thinking less of her woefully romantically inadequate husband, and a man who is not as attracted to his not-perfect-figure-wife as he is to the salacious images he has access to?
Both vices are unhealthy and lead to unlfulfillment and conflict in real relationships that are based in the real world.
# # #
Feedback
See also the Discussion links below.
Porn more Sinister
On Jan 28, 2009, anonymous male wrote:
I probably wouldn’t have thought much about it except that I’ve noticed the same pattern; increased sex drive after
[her] reading/watching a “romantic man”. It was my significant other’s complaining that I wasn’t romantic like _____ that started me thinking along similar lines though. If you watch soaps or movies that are aimed at women, you’ll note that the men have nothing to do but stand around and interact with their mates.
All that said, I think there are clearly some important physiological differences between porn and “surreal romance”, which make the former much more addicting and sinister than the latter.
* * * *
The Yearnings of Male and Female
On Jan 28, 2009, Susan Carter wrote:
First off, [for those who don't know], Edward is a character in a series of
books called Twilight. They were written by an LDS girl though they are not LDS
books in any way. They are EXTREMELY popular. A friend of my daughters even took
a cardboard cut out with her and her friend as they toured the Washington area
talked about in the books so they could have their picture taken with Edward in
the various haunts. LOL.
What is the pull of this particular book and its characters?
I digress for a moment to one of my past teachers: David Whitmer. He used to say
that a man who was in tune with God was so attractive to women that many would
rather be a second wife to him than stay with a man not so in tune. He was not
advocating it, just stating it as a fact of the tendency of women. So what is it
that Edward represents?
First of all Edward is immortal and has had hundreds of years to study mankind.
He is part of a group of vampires who, though still tempted, do not kill humans
to satisfy their hungers. They have overcome the flesh. Even when Edward wants
desperately to make love to Bella, he not only restrains himself from taking
her, but from eating her. What is the big turn on here? Women love to be wanted.
The more they attract a male, the more they are fulfilling their femaleness
(remember magnetism is female). Edward is attracted to Bella on more levels than
are even normal. To be THAT wanted and desired and yet honored and respected at
the same time by someone who is truly worthy of her is nearly every woman's
fantasy.
But Bella is desired by two immortals, each man very worthy of her, but for
different reasons. She has the luxury of choosing. We are taken through 4 novels
of her weighing this one against that one. Neither Edward nor Jacob let her
down. Their love for her is true and there are hot debates on the internet why
one would be better for Bella than the other. Other husbands may be writing
about Jacob the overly great if he is their wife's choice for Bella.
As to the question of whether or not obsession with this book series is as
unhealthy as porn, I would ask the following questions:
Does it create an unhealthy attachment to a genre of books that grows and grows
until one would lie, hide and then consume greater and greater amounts of time?
(I do know of women who were addicted to romance novels, had hundreds of them,
and it did interfere with their normal family life). OR
Is it a much loved hobby, takes up a lot of time and attention, but is kept
within bounds?
I think the larger question here is why are so many women attracted to this
book? My 18 yr old stepdaughter says most guys her age are either video game
addicts or internet porn addicted. She says most of them just sort of shuffle
around, never making eye contact and just have a creepy vibe. Girls more and
more ask guys out, to dance, to marry whatever. No longer are women using their
magnetism to attract (and are getting heavier and heavier I might add). Is it
the chicken or the egg? Do men retreat as women become more aggressive or do
women become more aggressive as men retreat?
In older generations how many men are so focused on their careers, sports or
something else that they aren't paying attention to their spouses? Are the wives
to blame because they have aged, become complainers, are always tired and too
often point out the man's shortcomings?
The details may have changed in this generation, but we are seeing a very common
problem: women want to be wanted and men want to be admired. The realities of
life take over and make it harder and harder for either one to get their needs
met. So is the solution to retreat into a steady diet of fantasy (either porn or
books) or to retreat into the kids schedules or work or anything else to
distract you from your pain?
The only solution I can see is for the couple to sit down and talk frankly about
what they really want most: some positive attention. If you don't plan for time
together life is going to brick over your feelings. My husband is obsessed right
now with Flight and Train Simulator. I love online Scrabble and other games as
well as Facebook etc. If we never turned off the computers we would be virtual
strangers.
When we don't take the time to go out to dinner or go out for a walk or
something to reconnect, we lose touch and the little things of life start to
build up and we get mad at each other. Things were starting to build up
negatively between us a week or two ago so I wrote him a letter, telling him
what was bothering me, but also expressing appreciation for all he had done
while I was sick and recovering and his ongoing hard work at the job. All the
tension melted away when he realized I truly did appreciate him.
Edward is cardboard or paper. What a woman really wants is a man in the flesh.
He may never live up to the fantasy version as she will never measure up to
Barbie Doll, but there is a lot of satisfaction in finding out what your spouse
really needs and making an ongoing effort to do the little things. The fantasy
loses its pull when the basic needs are met if it is only an obsession of a
kind.
Now addiction is another story altogether. Addiction is altered brain chemistry
and out of control behavior with the using addicts taking little responsibility
for their actions. Stinking thinking fuels most addictions. (If only he weren't
so____, if she would just_____ etc etc)
Every relationship is hard work (hard work: something that needs to be paid
attention to on a daily basis) and has its own challenges for each couple. Every
generation in addition seems to have its cross to bear. These days it seems to
be fantasy. At least we know there is a longing for a better way, a more ideal
version than what we have today. It is a worthy goal if only we recognize it at
its roots and solve the real problem instead of hacking at the leaves of it.
SO Edward and Jacob, move over for some real men to stand up and start noticing
the women in their life who want to be magnetic and attract them. Bella, watch
what a real woman can do by showing some appreciation. Let the games begin, for
real.
* * * *
Romantic Novels as "Girl Porn"
On Jan 28, 2009, a male friend, K., wrote:
I have a friend who is a convicted sex offender. He talks about romantic novels as being "girl porn," and points out that there is, generally speaking, a fundamental difference in the way men and women are aroused sexually. He maintains that men are aroused visually, and women are aroused emotionally. A Harlequin Romance is set up to arouse a woman emotionally, just as Bay Watch turns on the men. I agree with you, Sterling; addiction to romantic novels IS analogous to but doesn't carry the stigma that visual porn does. And, both your and Susan's points seem accurate to me: that an addiction can be a cover for pain or a cheap replacement for an unmet expectation or need.
The movie "what the bleep do we know" mentions that artificially/chemically induced emotions are physiologically identical/similar to the naturally
occurring chemical basis of emotions. Those who seem mopey, or fanatic, or happy, or WHATEVER as a pattern dig the emotional high they get, and they've learned that repeating behavior recreates that emotion that generates the high. We all are, in a sense, addicted to the chemicals that generate the emotions that describe our general perspective on life.
By the way, I don't endorse all of the movie, or even much of it, but the connection between chemistry, addiction and emotional makeup made sense to me.
