Occupational Hazards
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A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.