REASONS TO BE A MAN
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone else forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a 3-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can quietly watch the game with your buddy for without ever thinking, "He must
be mad at me."
Same work...more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
Wedding dress--$2000. Tuxedo rental--$75.
You don't have to mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong
friends.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, "So, notice anything
different?"
You are never expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th in 45
minutes.
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RULES GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: If it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentine's and anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the
perfect present...again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want
to hear.
6. Sometimes he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such
topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation or monstertrucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And, no, it's not different...it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a
calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range.
We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. So, what makes you think we'd be any
good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissable in an argument
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BECAUSE WE'RE MALE
Because I'm a guy...
I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has
been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to
survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a guy...
when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your
suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and
when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I
know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other,
"I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start."
Because I'm a guy...
when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in
bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a guy...
I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I
cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For
all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick
up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a guy...
when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite
evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and
has to put it back together.
Because I'm a guy...
I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask
someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how the heck could HE know where
we're going?
Because I'm a guy...
there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or
football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy...
I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her
when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for
mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my
mom, too?
Because I'm a guy...
you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end
of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy...
I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago
was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your
hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a guy...
and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the
laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
